Life in reverse :)

A post on a friend's blog said it all -

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? 'A death.' What's that , a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards - You should die first, get it out of the way. Then go live in an old-age home - after getting kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work for forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol , you party and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities whatsoever, you become a little baby, you go back, you spend your last 9 months floating with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, and then you finish off as an orgasm!! Amen!"

Time to laff!!

Laff your heads off........

* 1. NAMES:
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

* 2. EATING OUT:*
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

* 3. MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

* 5. ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

* 6. CATS:**
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

* 7. FUTURE:**
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

* 8. SUCCESS:**
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

* 9. MARRIAGE:*
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

* 10. DRESSING UP:**
A woman will dress up to go 4 shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

* 11. NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

* 12. OFFSPRING: **
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

* 13. FINAL THOUGHT:*
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

BECOMING A MAN

- TWO-YEAR DEGREE COURSE

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be

interested in:

Becoming a Real Man. That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a

real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101: Combating Stupidity

MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things

for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am

MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception

EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re

Wrong

MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex

MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SE#X 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It

SE#X 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower

SE#X 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective) (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver

MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt

MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are

Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary

MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions

MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:

EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu

EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law

MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”

ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Querky :)

A funny forward received from a friend............

RAILROADS

Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the

pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools

that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!

Now, the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

- .................And U thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

Are Men hard to please ???

Men Are Hard To Please - I wonder ??
A forward i received this morning and just had to add to my blog :)))

The problems with MEN:

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD .
If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from VILLAGE.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS .
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE ;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME ;
If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES , he is GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ;
If he does WELL , it's BRAINS .
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!